Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
