I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
