My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
