why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
