the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
