Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
