Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
