I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Nicole vs. Life
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
