Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize