when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize