You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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