I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
