just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
