just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
