So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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