8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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