the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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