fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize