So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
