I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
