She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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