Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's just like the Real World with babies
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
