My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
