My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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