I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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