I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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