God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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