Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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