Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
