The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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