I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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