im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
