i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
