i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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