let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
