The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
