I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
