mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
