I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the day after is always just damage control
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
