Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize