If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
