Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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