i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize