my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
