it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
