Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
