I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
