last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
