I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
