Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
