It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
