I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
