Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
