I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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