Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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