i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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