so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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