did you get engaged???
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
