Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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