I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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