so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize