I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize