i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
