I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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